Today one of my guys took up way too much of my morning to avoid the inevitable. Urine screening the opposite sex is annoying because we have to find an available officer of that same sex. And they are usually willing to help, but busy. Some are very blunt about how they would rather we find someone else to watch our guys pee. It really is great that most people on my caseload are men so I get to bother people all day to do this.

My guy today complained about prostate problems. I thought this would make him want to pee more? The second time he went in to try the male officer said he sounded like he was trying to give birth and still no pee. I had people stacked in the waiting room and I couldn't make him go. If this is the case I make an attractive offer. You pee or you wait in the cheery waiting room all day until you can. So he went in to sit. Before he sat he was made aware that he if he is purposely screwing up my morning to avoid a positive he would be taking care of his prostate problem in jail.

I got my hands on a spit test, which are like gold because you can detect meth and pcp plus the usual morphine, cocaine and pot. They are expensive but apparently prostate problems that have symptoms of a UTI give me access to one! They are actually grosser to administer than pee, if you can imagine that.

Sorry, long way around to the end of the story which went like this:

Me: After all this you are positive for cocaine.

Slim: What? No way, that's impossible.

Me: Well, no it is true. So, tell me what is going on.

Slim: I don't do drugs, you can do a polygraph!

Me: We don't need a polygraph we just did a drug test. When was the last time you did cocaine?

Slim: All I can think of was... um, the last time I had contact with it was Wednesday.

Me: What does that mean, had contact with it?

Slim: See, my brother brought some over to my house and I told him I don't want it in here, so I threw it out the door.

Me: (admittedly smirking by this point) Slim, are you serious? You think this test is positive because you touched it.

Slim: Well. Maybe. I know. When I threw it out the door the bag opened and the wind blew some at me. Maybe it blew it up my nose.

Me: You think I believe that?

Slim: It's the truth.

Me: That is the most ridiculous excuse I have ever heard! And, your test is positive which is all that really matters. You understand you violated your probation.

Slim: I can't believe it, man! This is crazy!

I couldn't help but laugh at him. After all of the time I had wasted all morning. He had a lot of time in the waiting room to concoct that gem!

I wish judges were more discreet with how rapidly they accept our opinions. Today during a hearing the defendant was very close to the bench when the judge was asking for my recommendation. My guy could hear every word. Then, in usual form, the judge releases us from the bench and then goes on to repeat my recommendation word for word to the court. He then quickly verifies that this plays well for both the defense and the prosecutor.

Luckily, it was a good recommendation today and the defendant leaned over as I walked by to give a quick thanks. The deputy corrected him for speaking out of turn, but I turned and smiled. He was glad he was going to be released from jail today and I couldn't blame him, he was someone who deserved it. His wife was practically jumping up and down while she was making the short walk over to the county jail to wait a few hours for her husband to be released.

This is a good day, when I can give a good report. Usually, we have to be more subtle about our recommendations to the judge since we are usually the ones telling our probationers that the judge makes the ultimate decision. Which is necessary because we are the ones walking outside right behind the family members or in all likelihood they will be back on our caseload in no time. Having them believe we didn't recommend they sit in jail or prison sets up a better scenario for our safety, obviously. Judges seem to like to have a someone else to blame for their decisions, just like anyone. But they get paid the big bucks to take more grief.

Several months ago one of the guys on my team was at a smaller court in our county and gave an appropriately terrible recommendation for one of his guys. The judge went on to agree and pointed out it was due to the PO's update and request that he would take him into custody. The judge then agreed with the defense attorney that the guys should get thanksgiving home with family first in true to bizarre form. This then put the PO in a very tough spot. He waited for a while to go out to the parking lot figuring the father and the probationer had plenty of time to leave. They had not. They waiting for the PO and decided to circle, harass and threaten him yards away from the court. Luckily my co-worker was quick on his feet and had a plan, therefore all ended safely with the guy ending up with a new arrest for which he would again end up in front of the same judge. Where does the buck stop?! Ayiyi.

Be still my beating heart!
Scott made my day when he called me at work and told me about this! Come on ya'll let's all go to the show! (If you are having a hard time finding it look at the listing for 3.1.08) Of course they are the opener but who cares, the headliner is not so bad herself.