Today one of my guys took up way too much of my morning to avoid the inevitable. Urine screening the opposite sex is annoying because we have to find an available officer of that same sex. And they are usually willing to help, but busy. Some are very blunt about how they would rather we find someone else to watch our guys pee. It really is great that most people on my caseload are men so I get to bother people all day to do this.

My guy today complained about prostate problems. I thought this would make him want to pee more? The second time he went in to try the male officer said he sounded like he was trying to give birth and still no pee. I had people stacked in the waiting room and I couldn't make him go. If this is the case I make an attractive offer. You pee or you wait in the cheery waiting room all day until you can. So he went in to sit. Before he sat he was made aware that he if he is purposely screwing up my morning to avoid a positive he would be taking care of his prostate problem in jail.

I got my hands on a spit test, which are like gold because you can detect meth and pcp plus the usual morphine, cocaine and pot. They are expensive but apparently prostate problems that have symptoms of a UTI give me access to one! They are actually grosser to administer than pee, if you can imagine that.

Sorry, long way around to the end of the story which went like this:

Me: After all this you are positive for cocaine.

Slim: What? No way, that's impossible.

Me: Well, no it is true. So, tell me what is going on.

Slim: I don't do drugs, you can do a polygraph!

Me: We don't need a polygraph we just did a drug test. When was the last time you did cocaine?

Slim: All I can think of was... um, the last time I had contact with it was Wednesday.

Me: What does that mean, had contact with it?

Slim: See, my brother brought some over to my house and I told him I don't want it in here, so I threw it out the door.

Me: (admittedly smirking by this point) Slim, are you serious? You think this test is positive because you touched it.

Slim: Well. Maybe. I know. When I threw it out the door the bag opened and the wind blew some at me. Maybe it blew it up my nose.

Me: You think I believe that?

Slim: It's the truth.

Me: That is the most ridiculous excuse I have ever heard! And, your test is positive which is all that really matters. You understand you violated your probation.

Slim: I can't believe it, man! This is crazy!

I couldn't help but laugh at him. After all of the time I had wasted all morning. He had a lot of time in the waiting room to concoct that gem!